Persistance and Prayer

I debated about blogging about this, but after hearing stories of so many women who give up on breastfeeding before they are successful at it, it made me want to write about my own experience. It's a little long though, just to warn yah. Oh, and obviously there will be no pictures. Sorry. :)
Henry and I definitely had a ROUGH start on nursing. Like one nurse told me after he was about 4 days old; "Women think because it's natural that it's just going to be so easy. Your baby will just latch on and the milk will come a flowin' and everything will be dandy. Even though it's natural, it's hard for most women to get the hang of. (jokingly) Besides, women read all these pamphlets and books on breastfeeding, but the baby doesn't. You just have to keep working at it together."
That is what we were doing. It really seemed like all the cards were stacked against us for nursing to work, and I gotta tell yah, there were a few times where I was tempted to throw in the towel and just skip it and either pump every day and feed him via bottle, or just get formula. So here's the sequence of events that made it so hard, but in the end, successful:
1. Henry was born with meconium (sp? waste from inside the womb) and so right after he was born, a swarm of nurses came in, weighed him, and rushed him off somewhere to check his lungs to make sure he hadn't aspirated any of it. They told me, as I was being sewn back together, dead tired, that I would be able to see him in about 2 hrs. or so. So, I wasn't able to nurse him right away.
2. By the time I saw him again, he was SO hungry, that he was having some serious trouble latching on. He just kept thrashing his head back and forth in what looked like some serious frustration.
3. I had no idea how to really do this even though I've read the stuff they give you to 'help' you with breastfeeding. Finally a nurse noticed and showed me how to get the colostrum (pre-milk also called liquid gold because it's so good for your baby and it really does look yellow) out of my breast. Having someone squeeze your boob like that is a new experience let me tell yah-and a painful one. I didn't really care though. I just wanted to feed my baby.
4. That same nurse looked inside his mouth and said "I think he's tongue tied." Say what? Yah, apparently it's a real condition and not just a phrase people use when they have trouble forming what they want to say. It's when that little piece of flesh that holds the tongue down, comes too far forward underneath their tongue, so they can't really suck, and one day, will have serious troubles talking. I also learned later on that this happens far more often with boy babies for some reason.
5. So in order to feed him, I express the colostrum into a baby spoon and we feed him that way. Then the lactation consultant at the hospital came to help us. Yup-tongue tied. She gave us a syringe which we used to feed him. THAT was fun. blech.
6. For all I was expressing, and then pumping (once they got me a pump) he wasn't getting enough to eat. He was getting weaker and jaundiced. One of the nurses started saying things that made me feel horrible, like I wasn't taking care of him.
7. So here I am, hurting (Henry ripped me up pretty good), tired (physically and emotionally), some seriously sore breasts, trying to figure out how any women are successful doing something that is supposed to be natural. I started to get really depressed, which I didn't actually say anything about until now. But I was. I felt like I was already a bad mother somehow.
8. They told me that he wasn't getting enough, and asked if they could supplement with formula. I consented but asked for it to be done without a bottle, because I've read many places that if an infant gets on a bottle first, or early, that they won't take to a breast. So we did that. The pediatrician was supposed to come in Sat. morning anyway and they told me that he'd be able to clip underneath his tongue to fix that so he could latch on.
9. Dr. Maxcy came in, but didn't bring the tool, and wouldn't use something at the hospital because he 'liked to be in his own office where he knew where things were.' He furthermore said 'You just like to have things your way yah know.' Yah. My baby can't eat you jerk. I decided right then that I wanted a new pediatrician. I later found out that if they do that service at the hospital, they don't get paid for it. I understand wanted to get paid for your work, but when it affects the well being of an infant, I think it's just cruel and selfish. He told us that the ped. coming in tomorrow would do it at the hospital so to just wait until then.
10. I pumped through the night and fed him as much as I could, and the rest we supplemented with formula (which as much as I hate formula-I'm very grateful for it).
11. The nurses and lactation consultant continued to try to help me so that breastfeeding would be successful in the end. That lactation c. had so many tricks up her sleeve to get Henry to get the hang of it even though his tongue wasn't working well.
11. Sunday around noon Dr. B. came in, but wasn't told about the predicament, and hadn't brought the tool. She apologized and said that she could just use scissors, but that it was risky and that more could be cut than should and would cause bigger problems if he should move his tongue. When we found out we'd have to wait yet another day, Jason and my face just dropped. I was so sad.
12. We finally got his tongue fixed (we'd been feeding him formula and a little colostrum until this time). Soon after we got home, I grew and grew and grew and OH MY GOSH! Hello pamela anderson-you've got competition. More importantly though, I never believed that my chest could hurt like that! I've heard women tell about engorgement-and now I get it. OOOOOOOUCH!!! So then I was so engorged, that I couldn't feed him. My mom bought cabbage and a 40DD bra to put the cabbage in. The cabbage helped draw the milk down. Thanks be to cabbage. Who knew!
13. Until my chest shrunk and stopped hurting so much and became suckable (for lack of a better word), I had to feed him formula. This broke my heart. Tuesday morning I was sitting on my couch feeding him formula through a bottle, wondering if I was going to be able to nurse my son. I just sat there feeding him and crying. Jason and my mom tried to comfort me, but I was kinda past that. I think you can only understand how disheartening it is if you've gone through it. I was worried that even when everything was right for this to work, he wouldn't try anymore.
**On a more personal note-I've always hated having big boobs. It's true. I was always envious of my sisters thinking that they got the better end of the stick having smaller chests. I hated having guys stare at my chest instead of looking me in the eye. I hated the scummy guys at work would say really crude things either to me, or about me (which I'd hear about later on) that you should never say to a lady. I hated how guys would think that I was easy or something because of my figure. I hated how one of my 'friends' once told me that I was a waste of a hot/good body because I wasn't using it. Scum bucket! I hated how it was hard to dress nicely-if I wore something fitted, it was like-sha bang, and if I wore something loose, I looked frumpy. I hated how it made it harder and harder to be a good runner like I had been (cross country) because my chest hurt when I ran, no matter how good of a sports bra I bought. I hated getting teased by my sisters getting called things like 'chesty morgan.' I hated how once a month a had 2 rocks on the front of me that hurt to even walk down the stairs. I just hated them. I used to do tens of push ups at night to try to shrink them in high school. I tried to eat less and less because people always said that when a girl loses weight, the boobs are the first to go. Yah-maybe with everyone else, my waist and butt just got smaller, accentuating my chest even more...yah, so that had the opposite result of what I was going for. My mom used to tell me that I'd be grateful for them one day because I'd be able to feed my babies and that that was one of the most precious experiences for a woman to have. So if you can imagine, here I was, feeding my baby formula (and a small amount of pumped breast milk) with a BOTTLE. How could I not cry? Here I had these boobs that I was supposed to feed my baby with, thinking that it would never happen. It had already been a few days and he'd gotten used to feeding off of a bottle. I told my mom at one point that I just hated giving him 'C' food when I wanted to give him 'A' food. She replied 'C is better than F.' And she was right, which is why I did what I did in the first place. Breast milk is the best, as is breastfeeding, but the most important thing then was that he had the nutrition he needed. After I got home from the hospital, I spoke with a private lactation consultant on the phone to get help. She gave me ideas of what to do until everything was going smoothly.
14. Wednesday morning we went in to see her and she helped us SO much! Before Wednesday, he would only latch on for like 20 seconds. A little before we went in, he nursed for 10 or so minutes! All of that work and prayer paid off! Michelle (the consultant) helped me to make sure that from then onward, he was able to nurse. Ever since it's been successful and so worth it!
Bless Henry's little heart. I wasn't giving up on this and thankfully, neither was he. Every time I tried to get him latched on, he tried. I kept waiting for the time when he would refuse to even try to nurse. He never gave up though-that's my boy!!
So after all we went through (Henry and I) everything is great now! I still have to use lanolin creme here and there, which I figure all women do. It really is the most wonderful, precious bonding experience for me and my son. It's like a gift just for women with their children. Even though it was SO hard, physically, mentally and emotionally, the struggles were worth it. It is just so awesome and sweet at the same time to be able to nurse my son. Breastfeeding is the best for babies (just do the research). So again, even though I'm really grateful for formula-it helped Henry to get better until I could truly feed him, I'm so glad that I kept perservering and that I can breastfeed my baby now. I'm so glad that I can give him the best. I'm thankful for all of the prayers in our behalf. I'm so grateful for my mom's, Jason's, Robyn's, the nurses, and Michelle's help and encouragement. I would reccommend to every woman to get a lactation consultant if they are having troubles. And speaking of nursing...Henry's awake and it's time to go feed my little son!! Thanks for reading. :)