To Have Faith.

I wanted to write on here things that have been going on in my head, and in Jason's, and now I'm sitting here in front of my computer wondering how to even put them into words.
Basically, we have been going back and forth between feeling like we have faith in this whole delivery process (Henry measuring VERY big and extra ultrasounds and high risks, etc...) and feeling like "Oh crap! What if this happens, or that happens..."
It's funny how faith is. When you really have it, it seems like you don't really know that you do, but see it manifest in miracles. Then when you think you have faith, really what you have are just strong hopes.
During one of our scripture reading times together, we read one of the verses about having faith the size of a mustard seed. He asked about that and I responded with teh scripture about faith is "knowing something that is true, that you don't actually have a perfect knowledge of," which is kind of funny when you think about it, but if you've really experienced it you understand how it works. Anyway, I told him my opinion on the subject stating that I think most people don't actually have faith-they have hope, and maybe really strong hope. I read something in a lds-author written book that explained it this way. In using the story of the Hebrew slaves walking through the Red Sea with Moses, she said, faith is walking through the middle of the sea trusting completely that Heavenly Father will take care of you. Hope is walking through the middle of the sea, but packing scuba gear just in case. I thought that was a perfect analogy. I've thought of the stories of Jesus with the apostles too-like when the storm hit and they were like-Master! Help us! which you would think would be showing their faith in him, but he rebukes them (probably because they sounded/were worried about it) and tells them that they have little faith.
So when you have real faith, you aren't worrying or having fear-because really those are the opposites of faith, however human or 'natural man' those emotions are. Well, reflecting on those things, I've noticed that I'm praying for miracles, without actually truly believing that they'll happen, which is counter productive. To explain, I know that Heavenly Father through our Savior CAN do anything, but I guess where my worry is, is in the 'will' he. Furthermore, I feel like this stems from me not actually asking Him what His will is in this whole process, but rather Jason and I just telling Him what WE want. This also doesn't work well with having real faith. I mean, to really have faith, you need to have your will inlined with His will.
So, in the end, after relecting on this the past couple weeks, and realizing that we weren't actually asking Him (who knows everything, knowing what is best for all of us, who loves us and wants us to be happy and not worrying all the time) what His will is. So I started changing my prayers, and last night I asked Jason for a priesthood blessing.
I'm not going to disclose the whole blessing. However, I will say that there is nothing like recieving a priesthood blessing from a worthy priesthood holder (especially when it's your husband, because there is a stronger bond). It always makes me smile when things are said in a blessing that totally hit your heart and soul, things that you've been feeling or thinking that no one else knows, but our Father in Heaven, Savior, and the Holy Ghost. It was another testimony builder for me, as well as Jason.
There are a couple things that I wanted and feel ok to share though. Maybe they will help someone else.
One of the things that was expessed was that I should feel joy and comfort in knowing that I am helping one of His spirit children come to earth...When this was said (again I'm not writing it word for word but paraphrasing a few things), I just felt that I've been focusing on the wrong things. I should feel joy (emotionally at least, as physically isn't always possible with pregnancy ;). Jason and I made a baby together, and what a miracle that is! We get to have a baby to love and take care of. Heavenly Father is entrusting us with one of His children. We get to feel that immense love and happiness of holding our son and hearing him say 'I love you mommy/daddy.' We get to understand our Heavenly Father better, becoming parents as well. We get to become more like our Savior doing something selfless. It should give us joy and comfort knowing that we get to have this experience. And it does.
The other thing that was expressed, in a surprising way to me, was that He is proud of me and grateful to me for making so many sacrifices so that His son can come here. The spirit hit me so strongly. I just, never, ever, thought of things that way. After the blessing I thought of how many women today (including members of the church) aren't willing to make such sacrifices, or just after they've in essence put the world first and put off having kids for a long time. I don't mean to sound judgemental. It's just that, I can imagine Heavenly Father feeling sad when He wants so badly to send one of His spirit children to a family, and He can't because He won't take away our agency, and the husband or wife just doesn't want to. I know of women who just want to put their career first for 'a while" which always extends every year, or women who don't want to mess up their bodies, or just want to stay a couple without having to 'deal with kids' and the list goes on...It's just sad because, if all women did that, the plan of salvation wouldn't work very well. Not to say that people should get married and have babies right away. Jason and I had not originally planned on having kids so soon. We were going to wait a year before we started trying, and now we're having a baby after a year of marriage instead. We made that decision based on guidance by the spirit and are so grateful that we did. We've grown in ways that we couldn't have have without this experience, and soon we get to reap what we've sown.
To end this very long post, I feel humbled, but yet strengthened that I can and am doing something so wonderful, even though it's been very hard at times. I'm grateful for Jason who's been so helpful to me during this difficult pregnancy. I know (in theory :D) that there are many hard times to come, but there are good times too, and that's the part to focus on.

Job Search

This is Jason in his favorite spot. He loves his recliner. In this picture he's actually doing his lesson plans (looks a bit crowded, but that's where he likes to plan). Otherwise, you'll find a similar scene often as he has started looking for jobs BACK EAST! We are planning on this being our last school year in Arizona, finally! School ends at the end of May, but our apt. lease goes until the end of July. So our plan is to pack up and move at the end of July and say goodbye to little Mexico. Over break Jason filled out applications for Pennsylvania, New York, and Michigan. They each pay teachers really well, and are relatively close to our family. We're more rooting for PA or NY. There aren't jobs in Michigan right now at all. In fact many teachers are moving from there to random locations across the country to find work. His family asked him to look though so he is.
Anyway, all this week he's been looking up teaching job posts on the internet and has found a few. Unfortunately so far they are just for this school year. He said the other day that if he wasn't in a contract, we'd just pick up and move right now...well, after Henry is born of course. Don't I wish. It is exciting though that the time has come that he can apply and that new jobs are coming up! We keep praying that he'll be able to get a good job somewhere, not too far away from our families. Because we have more immediate family in Michigan and NY, obviously we won't be able to be 'close' to both, but we'll do our best. We probably won't have too many options considering the economy. Driving distance will be a huge blessing though compared to plane rides (which we'd never be able to afford with an AZ teachers salary).
So that's life this week, preparing for our little boy and preparing to move back to the east coast (the best side of the country :).

Foot Jinx

Just a funny little thing, that isn't actually funny when it happens. I've had what seems like a jinx on my feet since early this morning. I've hurt both of my feet and toes at least 6 times and the day is not over. I didn't break any mirrors or anything. I think it's just pregnancy clumbsiness. So #1. I stubbed my toe into a electric pencil sharpener that Jason has been 'meaning to fix' for the past month and a half. #2 I caught one leg of a stool in between my pinky toe and the other one-OUCH!. #3 I dropped the plug (a really heavy one) of my large 3 barrel iron onto the top of my left foot-prong side down. #4 I scraped my foot on...oh shoot; I can't even remember now, #5 my foot feel asleep for apparently no reason and had to wake up (I hate that part). #6 I stepped on an invisible sharp thing on the floor. Invisible because I never could find out what it was. #7 It's still weird to me that I can't see my feet when standing or even leaning over a little.

Our First Christmas Married

So Christmas this year was just the two of us! We were wondering how it would be, not having other family around (well, I was more wondering how Jason would handle it, seeing as I was away from family and familiar Christmas tradtions for 2 years while in Brazil on my mission). We couldn't travel because I'm was too pregnant to fly.
It turned out to be just perfect though. We woke up, ate breakfast (biscuits with butter, honey and jams), opened up our gifts and stockings, got tired so layed down and ended up taking a 3 hour 'nap,' got up and had a second breakfast (bagels and chocolate milk), watched The Nativity (5 min. version), watched some church Christmas videos on u-tube that were really cool, played a game, talked about stuff we want to do on Christmas when we have kids, talked with family, made and ate a great Christmas dinner (honey-glazed ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole and sparkling cider-yeah for sales!) and watched It's a Wonderful Life (one of my favorites that Jason had actually never seen.) I still cry at the end of the movie.
Buying presents this year was cool, fun and sometimes frustrating though. We're on a tight budget and were wondering whether we would buy eachother gifts this year. I had recently found a couple gift cards from our wedding and had the idea to use our last bit of wedding $ to buy eachother Christmas gifts. I'm glad that we didn't spend everything at once. We thought it was actually cute and will be fun to tell our kids/grandkids someday.
So, that was the cool part. The fun part was trying to be creative with what we had to spend. The frustrating part was seeing something that we REALLY wanted to get for eachother and then looking at the price and realizing that it wasn't going to happen. That was really hard. It ended up working out great though in the end. Jason got me a really pretty snow globe. It's coincidentally the colors of our wedding (red, white and silver). I posted a picture. It has two little kids on a sled with blue eyes. I think of the bigger one as Henry, and the smaller one as whatever sibling comes after him. On the bottom front it says "magic of the season." Over a month ago we were walking through target and we walked by some snow globes. I told him about how I had a cheap one when I was about 11, and that it broke and how I had always wanted a snow globe, especially one that played music. I have also been bummed about not having snow on Christmas, so he got me snow. :) Here comes the frustrating part. He was worried when I opened it because it didn't play music. He was so cute. He said that he had looked for one that played music but they were all more expensive, and then he found this one. I was emotional because I think it's just perfect. I hadn't ever seen that one. I loved how it had little kids on a sled. I can't wait to do that stuff with Henry. The fun part was his gag gift. If you noticed I have a picture up with broken dishes. A while back, in pregnancy clumsiness, I was taking out bowls and dropped ALL of them, braking half of our bowls (I think it was like 6.) They were scattered on the floor, the counter and the stove. So Jason bought me plastic red bowls so that "even if I drop them, they'll won't brake." It made me laugh. In my stocking he put my favorite goodies (sour candy and gummies). Lastly with his gifts to me, he looked up how to say Merry Christmas and I love You in portuguese and wrote them on the top of the packages. It was so sweet and thoughtful.
For Jason's gifts, I had to just pay attention. Whenever you asked him what he wanted, he'd just say 'something for the baby.' How romantic. Well, I kinda used that and also did something else. I'd noticed that he'd been complaining a little about how his clothes for church and work were just boring. Well, he does actually spend most of his time at these two places, dress up. Most of his shirts are white, which is pretty boring. So I went out looking for a cool shirt for him. I found lots of cool ones, but expensive cool ones (frustrating again.) Thankfully there was a sale going on at one of the department stores putting this gorgeous red dress shirt right in my price range! I was so happy. The picture of us at Applebees (Christmas present from his family)was not actually taken on Christmas, but it shows his shirt. He looks hot in it. He wore it to work the other day and said that a bunch of people complimented him on it. Ok, moving on...in his stocking I put snickers, which is his favorite candy, and the little sleeper in the picture. We didn't really have stuff that said 'daddy' on it and when I saw this I just thought it was perfect. Jason loves it!
So, in the end, our first Christmas together turned out to be wonderful. :) We joked about how this is probably the only quiet, relaxing Christmas we'll ever have. Also, it was our first and last with just us. Next Christmas Henry will be almost a year old! It'll be our first and last Christmas in Arizona (the past years we lived here we flew back east). Who knows where we'll be living next year, but it'll be far from Arizona. Next Christmas will be great too, no matter where, or with whom we are.