Handling Change

So I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this feeling the same way I am. I just feel like m life just changed in huge ways all of a sudden, and it's not quite what I expected. Or I don't feel quite like I thought I would. I thought that I wouldn't really miss my job/career. But I do. I went to school the other day (after all the kids were gone) to spend some time with jason and eat dinner with him since he had to be at school until 7pm because of a Parent/child Literacy night. I saw other teachers and staff that I had worked with (I taught 2nd grade for 2 years where Jason still teaches)and memories came flooding back of when, not too long ago, that was me-getting my classroon ready and such. When I arrived at school, I saw one of my old students, Seraphim. She was one of my favorites of all. Unfortunately she was too far away to say hi to. I miss her, and many other kids that I taught. Yesterday I was at school again to pick Jason up, and of course I saw a bunch of kids walking home. I was just watching them, taking a stroll down memory lane. I realized that that part of my life may be gone for good, or at least for a very long time. As much as I love Henry, I miss being with kids all day. I miss teaching them and having a positive influence on their lives. I don't miss all the junk teachers have to go through, but I miss being with the kids. I missed it before, but subbing helped wean me a little. Then I couldn't even do that since I kept getting sick. It was so hard to stay at home and try to occupy my time, but I figured, once Henry was born, it would be different. I some how thought that missing teaching would go away because that hole would be filled by taking care of my baby. I still miss it though. I wish I could some how split myself in two and have half of me get to teach, and half of me get to be a stay-at-home mom. Of course that wouldn't work, besides the fact that it would be creepy. Here are a few pictures that represent some of that. (not the creepy splitting 2 :) This is Hayden. He was a HORRIBLY behaved student in a 3rd grade class I student taught. He tried my patience EVERY day. It was liek trying to teach having Jim Carrey in the classroom. You'd have to try to scold him while trying not to laugh. I just loved him though. I learned so much from teaching him. These are just a few of the kids I taught how to swim when I was a life guard/swim instructor at Utah State. I loved teaching kids how to swim and have taught over 100 students on every single simming level. ps. the butterfly is NOT an easy stroke to teach. These are students from my 1st year teaching. We were using pumpkins (Halloween) to practive counting by tens for math. The girl on the right closest to the camera is Brianna. She had a rough start scholastically, and I just kept encouraging her and in the end she succeeded. I just love this girl!

This is my class my 2nd year teaching. Seraphim is the one with long blonde hair, 3rd row back, 2nd in from the left with a blue shirt on.

I know that I am making the right decision to stay at home and raise my kids. And not just the right decision, but a good one. I wouldn't want to miss those times when he smiles, and when he rolls over, crawls and walks for the first time. I wouldn't want to miss being the one to comfort him when he's sad, to be able to nurse him and hold him sleeping and just watch him grow more and develop more each day. I don't want to put the responsibility and enjoyment of raising him and teaching him into someone else hands. I want to be there for him, and any other children that we have. I'm his mom, and no day care or babysitter can replace that. But I also have this part of me that's envious of my husband, who has all these experiences at school still, while that part of my life has ended. I keep reminding myself that I'm so blessed to have been able to experience teaching for 2 years. I know so many people who didn't even graduate college after they got married. Or they graduated, but never got to experience what they majored in. I am SO blessed to have been able to teach the years that I did. I'll never forget those times, nor the kids. It was also such a great feeling to be able to support myself. And I know that the experiences I had will only make me a better mom, wife and person. It's just that when all of a sudden my life feels like it consists of changing diapers, hursing, rocking to sleep, changing diapers, nursing, bouncing to sleep, changing diapers...well, you get the picture, I long for days that I felt fulfilled. That sounds horrible when put like that. And that's not all that happens in my days, but sometimes it feels like that. Yesterday I tried to change my attitude by instead of thinking of it as, "oh, gotta change a dirty diaper again," I thought of "I'll take care of you and make you comfortable and feel good again. I know sitting in my own waste would make me grouchy too." Well, something like that anyway. Maybe I'm just feeling like the grass is greener on the other side. But I know that teaching is no picnic. It's really hard. And there were days that I hated it (Thank you Tiwon, Tyler, Richard, Courtney...) That's just part of everything you'll do in life. There are good days and bad days.
I'm not disappointed staying at home. It's just hard. Harder than I thought. I just feel underused some days. I feel like I have so much to contribute, and some days lately I feel like a diaper changer. I know that that's silly, but I still feel like that some days. Has anyone else felt like this?? Am I just ungrateful?
I am glad to be a mom. I love Henry so much. He is a huge blessing. I mean, right now he is just so precious. He's laying beside me on the couch just sucking on his pacifier, happy as a clam. He's all bundled up in a blue afghan that my mom crocheted. His little arms and hands are up around his face and it is just too cute. I love these moments. I love playing with him. Here's the video I made yesterday. I'm happy that I get to have these moments.

Ug. I don't know what I'm really trying to say. Sometimes it's so hard to communicate what you want to. I'll just be brave and post this and hope that you don't think less of me.