To Have Faith.

I wanted to write on here things that have been going on in my head, and in Jason's, and now I'm sitting here in front of my computer wondering how to even put them into words.
Basically, we have been going back and forth between feeling like we have faith in this whole delivery process (Henry measuring VERY big and extra ultrasounds and high risks, etc...) and feeling like "Oh crap! What if this happens, or that happens..."
It's funny how faith is. When you really have it, it seems like you don't really know that you do, but see it manifest in miracles. Then when you think you have faith, really what you have are just strong hopes.
During one of our scripture reading times together, we read one of the verses about having faith the size of a mustard seed. He asked about that and I responded with teh scripture about faith is "knowing something that is true, that you don't actually have a perfect knowledge of," which is kind of funny when you think about it, but if you've really experienced it you understand how it works. Anyway, I told him my opinion on the subject stating that I think most people don't actually have faith-they have hope, and maybe really strong hope. I read something in a lds-author written book that explained it this way. In using the story of the Hebrew slaves walking through the Red Sea with Moses, she said, faith is walking through the middle of the sea trusting completely that Heavenly Father will take care of you. Hope is walking through the middle of the sea, but packing scuba gear just in case. I thought that was a perfect analogy. I've thought of the stories of Jesus with the apostles too-like when the storm hit and they were like-Master! Help us! which you would think would be showing their faith in him, but he rebukes them (probably because they sounded/were worried about it) and tells them that they have little faith.
So when you have real faith, you aren't worrying or having fear-because really those are the opposites of faith, however human or 'natural man' those emotions are. Well, reflecting on those things, I've noticed that I'm praying for miracles, without actually truly believing that they'll happen, which is counter productive. To explain, I know that Heavenly Father through our Savior CAN do anything, but I guess where my worry is, is in the 'will' he. Furthermore, I feel like this stems from me not actually asking Him what His will is in this whole process, but rather Jason and I just telling Him what WE want. This also doesn't work well with having real faith. I mean, to really have faith, you need to have your will inlined with His will.
So, in the end, after relecting on this the past couple weeks, and realizing that we weren't actually asking Him (who knows everything, knowing what is best for all of us, who loves us and wants us to be happy and not worrying all the time) what His will is. So I started changing my prayers, and last night I asked Jason for a priesthood blessing.
I'm not going to disclose the whole blessing. However, I will say that there is nothing like recieving a priesthood blessing from a worthy priesthood holder (especially when it's your husband, because there is a stronger bond). It always makes me smile when things are said in a blessing that totally hit your heart and soul, things that you've been feeling or thinking that no one else knows, but our Father in Heaven, Savior, and the Holy Ghost. It was another testimony builder for me, as well as Jason.
There are a couple things that I wanted and feel ok to share though. Maybe they will help someone else.
One of the things that was expessed was that I should feel joy and comfort in knowing that I am helping one of His spirit children come to earth...When this was said (again I'm not writing it word for word but paraphrasing a few things), I just felt that I've been focusing on the wrong things. I should feel joy (emotionally at least, as physically isn't always possible with pregnancy ;). Jason and I made a baby together, and what a miracle that is! We get to have a baby to love and take care of. Heavenly Father is entrusting us with one of His children. We get to feel that immense love and happiness of holding our son and hearing him say 'I love you mommy/daddy.' We get to understand our Heavenly Father better, becoming parents as well. We get to become more like our Savior doing something selfless. It should give us joy and comfort knowing that we get to have this experience. And it does.
The other thing that was expressed, in a surprising way to me, was that He is proud of me and grateful to me for making so many sacrifices so that His son can come here. The spirit hit me so strongly. I just, never, ever, thought of things that way. After the blessing I thought of how many women today (including members of the church) aren't willing to make such sacrifices, or just after they've in essence put the world first and put off having kids for a long time. I don't mean to sound judgemental. It's just that, I can imagine Heavenly Father feeling sad when He wants so badly to send one of His spirit children to a family, and He can't because He won't take away our agency, and the husband or wife just doesn't want to. I know of women who just want to put their career first for 'a while" which always extends every year, or women who don't want to mess up their bodies, or just want to stay a couple without having to 'deal with kids' and the list goes on...It's just sad because, if all women did that, the plan of salvation wouldn't work very well. Not to say that people should get married and have babies right away. Jason and I had not originally planned on having kids so soon. We were going to wait a year before we started trying, and now we're having a baby after a year of marriage instead. We made that decision based on guidance by the spirit and are so grateful that we did. We've grown in ways that we couldn't have have without this experience, and soon we get to reap what we've sown.
To end this very long post, I feel humbled, but yet strengthened that I can and am doing something so wonderful, even though it's been very hard at times. I'm grateful for Jason who's been so helpful to me during this difficult pregnancy. I know (in theory :D) that there are many hard times to come, but there are good times too, and that's the part to focus on.